I have been away from this blog, and other than "peeking my face in the door" so to speak, every so often just to meet and greet a bit in vague fellowship, I've also been away from the Temple. Of course, at this particular moment I write this, it's all being upgraded and moved to a new server, hopefully to be all up and running within a day or so from now. And now, as I write this, I've been progressively returning to the Land of the Living.
Until recently, I've been neglecting quite a lot of things, but mainly my progress in my studies at the Temple, and upkeep on my blogs, by force of distraction.
I allowed myself to be distracted by things in life which would only suck the life out of me, my emotional and physical health both plummeting like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I actually came very close to death a small few times between the Fall of last year and the Spring of this one. My health had been quite dangerously low, in both an emotional and respiratory sense. My mental state had also suffered greatly, due to extremely regular sleep deprivation (not sleeping until 1am, waking up at 4am for the rest of the day, e-v-e-r-y night), and my depression dove to depths unfathomable, which to this day, still tug at me, tempting me, beckoning that I dive back in.
Many have heard me say before, "The Heart has an inherent sweet-tooth for despair".
People don't understand how for many of us out there, depression can be addicting - not because it's "fun", or "feels good", but because if we aren't in intensely torturous emotional pain, then maybe it's because our hearts have stopped feeling... are we then not alive anymore?? It's really difficult to explain/describe...
The worst part was, much of it all was due to my becoming intertwined with another, long-lost and then found friend from High School, a bi-polar individual, who is just as prone to depression as me... though FAR more self-destructive, constantly mixing psyche-meds with alcohol, taking herself off her meds and on again at her own whims, and hideously suicidal.
I seemed to be helping her, but there's that situation when someone dives into the water to save a drowning person, only to have that one push him under the water in order to catch a breath, killing the one who dove in to save them.
And then there was also the feeling of dread, when someone might say, "don't leave me, or I'll kill myself". Such exact words were not spoken, but other similar ones were, and actions taken.
I had originally thought that our paths had crossed in order to be joined together... but looking back, the situation rather seemed as though like something crouched and poised to pounce upon me at my peril.
Luckily, with the aid of friends, very close friends, I'd even call them family, I survived, and so did my long-lost friend up to this point in time. I had cut off all communication with her quite some time ago now, therefore if she takes her own life for whatever reason, I'll not be that reason.
Anyways, the time had come, I suppose.
When I'd found her, she had been dealing with the constant infidelity of her partner who was terribly abusive, and she, due to an accident, had no use of her legs. Now, after surgeries, and constant moral support, she's made it back to getting around on her own two feet, literally, and out of that house, and that relationship, and is now quite self-empowered and out on her own. There is now no longer any need of me in her life, and may the Force be with her. May she live long and very happily.
She was quite abusive with me, in the end. Abusive, injurious, vindictive, venomous... I became the punching bag for her to punish for all the harm ever done to her by everyone else... it was all very ugly... all the while I just wanted to die. I really did not need that kind of negativity in my life, so I had to peel myself away, carefully, so as not to trigger her into doing anything stupid (I'd be forever destroyed inside, having that on me), and so that I could eventually be safe from it all.
It's been a small few months now. I think I have most of my life back, my Qi, the Force...
Some bits of me have been lost in the shuffle - seems that's always the way...
But I'm glad to be back. Yes, quite happy... and now I can return to the path, from which, I never really truly veered from - just got a little bit... distracted...
We must all, mind well, our course <3
And may the Force, and its Source, be with us all <3
- Tarran ^_^
