Here in Japan, our Ojii-chan, the grandfather in this family, whom my daughter had always called "Jii-jii" since she was old enough to speak, had suffered a stroke some months ago, and was ever-so-slowly getting better, plateauing, getting better, plateauing, getting better, plateauing... but then he took a downward turn.
He and his wife, our Obaa-chan (grandmother), had run (she continues to run) the family coffee shop for over 50 years, closer to 60... while he was in rehab, we all shuffled our lives a bit in order to help fill the (hopefully temporary) void at the kissaten (coffee shop).
Things have been stressful and full of worry.
But on this past February 6th, a Friday, in the morning, his Living Force had let go and passed on into the Universal Force.
The next day, Saturday, was the wake... many attended, coming even all the way from Osaka and Tokyo to Nagoya to say their goodbyes... it was all so very emotional, and woeful, and especially for my daughter, seeing her "Jii-jii", his face through the window at the head of the casket - they do not sew the mouth shut here in Japan... it's kind of a taboo thing... so his mouth was slightly open, and we could see some of the white cotton that was closing off his throat...
That night, most stayed at the funeral parlor and ate, drank sake, and slept until the next day in that room with Ojii-chan, keeping him company - my daughter and I however, went back to nearby Nakamura ward, to Jii-jii's house, and sat in the closed coffee shop downstairs, and talked. We went for a walk to the konbini (Japanese short-word for "conbiniensu" for "convenience store"), and got a bite to eat, a ball-shaped pizza roll each, and something to drink - a juice box for her, and a chu-hai (fizzy fruit drink and shochu alcohol mix, about 9% strong) for me... then we walked back, went through the back kitchen and upstairs to the bedroom, got ready for bed, and lay down to sleep, talking about Jii-jii and the Force...
The following day, Sunday, was the funeral, starting at the funeral parlor where we had the wake - we all had our last chance to say our goodbyes, his wife kissed his forehead, we filled his box roundabout his head and face with flowers, all of us sobbing, and some of his favourite things; coffee beans, a few smokes, a cup of coffee was brought to him and some was fingered onto his lips, cookies and cream puffs, small hand-written letters my daughter and I each wrote... a few of his favourite things... Obaa-chan started calling to him, as if to wake him from sleep - then gave way to weeping and wailing heavily... we all mourned him and wept deeply, and my poor daughter was so sad, crying "Jii-jii, Jii-jii... " - it ripped and tore at me inside... the box was then closed, the shutters to the window for his face shut, which made all our weeping more woeful... and we took the casket to the hearse, four of us brought him in, I being one of the two stationed at the head of the casket...
Then things moved to the service at the crematorium... we all had a final chance to stand around his casket and say our final last goodbyes, and we watched as they wheeled the box into the furnace, pulling the box from all our fingers' touches - that tore at us all, not the least of whom, my daughter, still sobbing "Jii-jii... "... then we went upstairs... we all we had coffee, tea, and sweets... we talked and reminisced... even laughed a small bit at some fond memories...
Obaa-chan and I went downstairs and outside for a smoke - I'd quit two years ago, but I made an exception this time... I'd taken some of the KOOL smokes we put in the box for Ojii-chan and pocketed them for this. I told her I took three; one for me, one for her, and one for Ojii-chan. This was going to be the very last time the three of us shared tobacco like we used to do, being the only smokers in the house, when we all lived there together in those days. I lit hers and mine, and one for him, and held it until it almost burned away, then I ripped it up and let the remaining tobacco fly away in the wind... she told me that I was her blood family, as Ojii-chan had always told me so as well - and that they only had one child, their daughter... but that I was their son... we hugged... then we went back upstairs...
After a little while, it was then time to go back downstairs - it was told to me that we would see his ashes, nothing more, but a couple small neck bones or something, which would be ceremoniously placed into a hexagonal memorial box with bamboo splits, not unlike very large chop sticks, by the closest family members... then it was time to wheel it all out again, and we all gathered around the furnace door...
The sight was not as neat and tidy as was told apparently so loosely to me - there were ashes... where his chest was, there were black-brown bits that resembled charred bits of cloudy amber, or tree sap; his lungs which saw many decades of tobacco... along with the ashes, there were still some obvious fragments... a chunk of the base of his skull, and a bit of the cap of it as well... some bits of his lower jaw bone, from the left and right of it... a bit that seemed may have been part of his rib cage, and something that was perhaps part of the pelvic bone... some of the arm bones still fairly much held shape... and one, nearly perfectly preserved in shape, though mostly ash, femur...
We all had this entire sight flung upon us in an instant... it was grizzly and horrific... my daughter wailed, "JII-JIIII!! MOU YAKETTAAA!!" ("GRAMPA!! HE'S ALL BURNED!!"), which, obviously, we all knew and expected... but we didn't expect to see what more seemed like live news footage of a horribly grizzly fatal accident site waiting for CSI to arrive... the sight had utterly destroyed us all, and we all lost it... but my daughter - her wails and sobs stabbed violently at my very heart, and I could swear I literally felt internal bleeding, to feel my poor precious daughter feel like that... I would have been enraged, even with no clear point of focus for such, if it weren't for the fact that we all were there, affected, weeping and wailing, all of us arm-in-arm around each other, like one huddled mass around his remains, supporting each other in our grieving... there was a deep sacredness in it, and in this, I felt a sense of family - blood family - that I have never felt in a group, as deeply, ever, in all my life.
It was then time for the Shuukotsu - the ceremonial placing of the bones in the box... his wife, and their daughter, were first to take the bamboo sticks, and forked some bone fragments in... then the granddaughter, my daughter's mother... then the great-granddaughter, who is my daughter, and myself; she with her bamboo sticks, and I with mine, took up the last piece together, and carefully, lovingly and with heavy grief and loss in our hearts, placed that last piece of him into the memorial box with the others, and it was shut.
We went back to the funeral parlor one last time to have a last meal together by his portrait and the memorial box, and afterwards, we all said our goodbyes to each other and all went to our respective homes. When we got back to Nakamura, we all sat in the coffee shop and talked. My daughter and I went to the konbini again, as I was getting a round of drinks for us, and a little something sweet for my little princess. We both walked back, and I tossed a couple down. After a while, we ate supper, slept, woke the following morning, hung out in the coffee shop one last day before opening again the next day (which would be Tuesday, the 10th), and the day rolled into night, we ate, and I returned home to Meitou-ku alone, as I had to work the following day. Tuesday night, the three of us were together in Meitou-ku. Life must go on from here.
It's been depressing as all Hell, and even knowing, as I do, the answer to "where do we go when... " - it doesn't take away the pain of loss. I know things pass, and it's passing... the shock of the loss... but anyways, even though I poke my "face" in here, or on Facebook, and try to "put on that smile" for others to see, I've just been... preoccupied. So... I've been slacking on my studies, making entries in my journal at the TotJO site, and on this one. I might still be slow from here, and I need just a wee bit more time, but I'm not quitting my studies. This here is just a heads up on my sitch'.
May the Force be with us all... always <3
- Tarran ^_^
